How to actually make peace with food.

I love to read, and I’m in two book clubs that meet monthly in person. We recently met during Halloween week, so naturally the topic of trick or treating and Halloween candy came up. I was hosting this month, and my stash of Halloween candy for the kiddos was sitting on my table, open because I’d been nibbling on some throughout the week. Amidst the chatter about favorite types of candy and Halloween night plans, one of the ladies said, “If I had Halloween candy around the house, I wouldn’t be able to control myself.” A few others agreed, voicing an extremely common fear I navigate on a regular basis with my clients. I replied, “I bet if you had it around all the time, that wouldn’t happen”. Skeptical looks were hurled my way. I’m used to that, so I forged ahead, saying something like “if you had permission to have it around, you’d habituate to it eventually and it would lose that effect on you”. I had some noncommittal nods at this point, and these lovely ladies not being my clients, we moved on.

The concept of “unconditional permission” is one of my favorites to discuss with clients because I think it’s fundamental to a peaceful and healthy relationship with food. But it often feels counterintuitive when I first explain it: “If I give myself permission to have candy around all the time, I’ll never stop eating it!” While that logic is common and understandable given our culture’s attitude toward food, it’s not actually what happens for most people.  In fact, it’s the restriction (whether it’s actual or mental, or both) that fuels the psychological and physiological deprivation effect that often leads to compulsive and excessive eating of the forbidden foods.

What exactly is unconditional permission? Also referred to as “making peace with food”,It means giving yourself complete autonomy to eat all foods without restrictions or conditions. Foods are not labeled “good” or “bad” and there are no food rules to follow. Permission to have candy and permission to have a salad are morally the same.  This sets up a relationship with food where all choices are neutral, and your food choices don’t reflect your moral value or “goodness” as a person. You choose what to eat based on what sounds good, your body’s cues and needs, and your food-related values. Therefore, eating doesn’t illicit the emotion of “guilt” because you’re not doing anything wrong.

If you’re thinking, that sounds lovely, but I have no idea how to get there and I’m terrified of giving myself unconditional permission to eat, I got you. There are action steps you can take to start to cultivate this mindset.  

First, drop the diets. Any food plan, diet, lifestyle pattern that tells you what and what not to eat or restricts foods or food groups will trigger the deprivation effect and keep you stuck in a “conditional permission” place with food. With the exception of a few medical conditions or a true allergy, removing limits on your dietary intake for the purposes of making peace with all foods will not have any major impact on your health, and will ultimately improve your long-term health and well-being.

Next, try systematically habituating your “forbidden” foods. Habituation is a well-researched psychological phenomenon describing how increased exposure to a stimulus leads to diminished emotional and/or behavioral response to the stimulus over time. We become accustomed to the stimulus, it blends into the background, we no longer feel strongly toward it.   This can happen with anything – a smell, a beautiful view out the window, your home décor, a person (I know, ouch).  While this happens naturally in many situations, we can harness this effect to address many unhelpful behaviors. I’ve habituated my dog to a certain type of ball because whenever she came across one belonging to another dog at the dog park she went completely insane and wouldn’t give it up. This behavior caused us problems (and embarrassment on my part) so I bought a bunch of these balls to keep around the house, giving her unconditional access. Once a week I’d introduce a new one into the mix. At first she was so possessive she took the balls on walks and even slept with them! But over a period of a month or two, she got to the point where, while she still likes to play with the balls, they lay around on my living room floor untouched for days, and at the dog park she’ll listen to my commands and leave them alone when I need her to. The dog park visits are MUCH less stressful now. To apply this to food, make a list of your restricted foods (the ones you feel you’d eat uncontrollably if they were around) and choose one at a time to begin keeping in the house and eating on a regular basis. The first few times you buy the food you may eat it quickly and it may feel scary. Keep going – don’t let yourself run out. You aren’t aiming for burn out, just getting to the point where it doesn’t spark the same urgency. After experimenting with a few different forbidden foods, your psyche will “get the idea” and you’ll feel the mental shift take place. Have patience and compassion in this process; it takes different amounts of time for everyone. If you want a structured DIY guide, I highly recommend working through the chapter entitled “Principle 3, Making Peace with Food” in The Intuitive Eating Workbook by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch.

Finally – recruit support. I recommend telling at least one trusted person in your life what you’re trying to do. You need a safe place to plan your experiments and process your experiences, free from judgement or the expression of worry for your health or your weight. If you have a diagnosed eating disorder, this process should be done with the help and guidance of a registered dietitian or therapist experienced in treating eating disorders and food habituation or food exposures. Even if you do not have a diagnosed eating disorder, this process may go much more smoothly and quickly with professional help.

Making peace with food is one of the most rewarding experiences. While the process can provoke some fear and anxiety, ultimately nothing beats the feeling of it suddenly hitting you that you’ve had your favorite type of ice cream in the freezer for weeks, or you got through the holidays without food guilt. Or – you got to be the house with the best candy on Halloween!